No capacity

I’ve noticed that I have developed the habit of stocking up a little too much. Might be due to this pandemic or the perpetual thought of returning to where I come from, but I’m currently ashamed of all the food that I’ve hoarded, the books that I’ve borrowed/bought, thoughts that have bottled up and even goals that I’ve set. Ashamed.

I am reaching the full capacity soon and have started feeling sick because it’s an addiction that I’m unable to get enough of. It’s not normal, some would say, because of my age but I’m also feeling that I’m closing up. I’m not okay with things not being in my control and it’s precisely because of what I’ve written above. It’s because I misused the control when, perceiving retrospectively, I had it and now it’s suddenly slipping away. Time to face the consequence?

Lately I’ve been rattled by unexpected intimacy, and not just once but many times. While I’m okay with feeling that way, certainly not okay with how I handled it. I’m not going to change anything because at least it’s off of my back and it’s not consuming any space in this life anymore. Selfish yes, but still slightly in control.