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My struggle with attention is not something that is hidden, on the contrary, it’s something that almost describes me. Of course I sit back and disapprovingly accept it but I would like to break down the instances and the meaning of this realisation.
Since the past one year now I have spent a lot of time on dating apps and actually genuinely put myself out there. Honestly, I’ve met some amazing people and some not so much in the limited period of my interaction and judgement. Today while talking to someone from the app, a guy whom I had been talking to for a while now, I realised how satisfying his attention was. And that’s kind of unhealthy. To be honest, I wasn’t instantly attracted to him but I felt... after weeks... that hey, here’s a nice guy who’s been a friend. Maybe I can meet him and see how things are. Then he said that he wasn’t really looking to date me and I said that’s fine, we could be friends if he wanted to. (Like I said, I wasn’t insanely attracted to him) The following interaction implied that he wanted more like a friends with benefits kind of thing and I was explicitly clear that I won’t be interested in that. I could immediately sense his interest vanishing in talking to me. Now, that’s fair and I’m not judging him. But it just hit me... it was the attention that I was after and when I saw that slipping away, I got upset. (I WASNT EVEN INTERESTED!) This is confusing.
It’s been a year since I was paid quite a lot of attention to by people close to me. Of course due to very unfortunate reasons but everyone was concerned about me and honestly, I think I was somewhere feeding that “poor helpless girl” image. I needed it. Every fucking day. I wanted to be checked up on. The nurses weren’t enough (also they spoke French, but whatever). I feel sad when I think of myself in that situation, desperate and just so weak. But the point is that I don’t think that I have come a long way from that. A little bit yes, but I am still feeling desperate for friends and people. Last month, I made a big deal out of a robbery. I called up someone who literally said this to my face: “you’ve been through worse, this is nothing.” (I will reserve the debate on this for later) but it’s a fact... I have been through worse. Why did I need to be comforted when something less tragic happened...? Why wasn’t I self sustainable if I have already seen worse things, felt even more horrible?
Sometimes I honestly wonder if every choice, every decision of my life is influenced by this one craving for attention. And thankfully, it’s not. Otherwise I have no idea what I would do because I have kind of reached that stage where moving forward would’ve been full of regret. But there are so many things that I do yes, for attention. For instance, posting pictures of myself. It just makes me feel so good... when the likes start pouring in. Like this irrelevant but much appreciated validation. This entire last week, I spent most of my evenings, under influence. And why? Because this one fucking person wasn’t paying attention to me. I consumed so many calories ... which I know that I’m not actively planning to shed. All for attention. Anyone’s attention really...
But you know what the actual problem is: it’s me. I’m so consumed by everything around me that even when I’m introspecting, I’m not “paying attention”. So this three part series of my self- help account (lol) is actually for me to acknowledge whom do I really need.. it’s obvious.
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